Breakup

Well, I had my first breakup today. Ever since I got into the game a little over two years ago, I haven’t really needed to breakup with any of the girls that I was seeing, mostly because I kept the relationships at a very casual level so I could improve my skills with women, and not be tied down in a relationship. Some of the girls I was seeing would drop off every once in a while, but it was never a big deal.

This girl was different, though. At the time I first started seeing her, I was also seeing other women, but gradually she started pushing for more and more exclusivity. And I caved to her demands, mostly because she was a lot more attractive than other girls I was seeing at the time, the kind of girl that turns heads and gets a lot of attention from guys.

Looking back though, I feel like I should never have let things get this far. If she couldn’t deal with me seeing other women, I should have just let her go. Instead I continued seeing her. And it was fun. The sex was good, and we had a lot of good times together, but lately I just haven’t been feeling it with her, and I decided it was time for this relationship to come to an end.

The actual breakup wasn’t too bad. I explained how I felt pretty calmly, without placing any blame on her, and let her know how I felt. She did get defensive a few times, but I used the I perspective to help diffuse any bad feelings, and kept from answering any questions that might have hurt her feelings (as per Dan’s advice). There were a few tears shed, but mostly we reminisced about the good times we had, and kept things very civil.

I hope that we can remain friends, especially since we share social circles and do see each other from time to time. The fact that we’re in the same social circle is one of the reasons I was initially hesitant to go out with her, but I’ve been in similar situations before, and have always regretted not having pulled the trigger. This time I decided I didn’t want to live with any regrets, and I think things worked out for the best.

Anyway, it was fun to have experienced being in a committed LTR for a while, but it’s time to move on. School starts again this week, which means there will be tons of cute girls hanging around campus. I’ve been back in school for a year now, and ironically, all of the girls that I’ve been with over the past year, I met outside of school. This semester I definitely want to work some college game, and build my social circle within school. Here’s to a new semester, and to cute freshmen girls!

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I Love You Man

I just saw the movie “I Love You Man”, and it was surprisingly good.  I haven’t laughed so hard in a movie theater in quite some time.

The movie’s main plot revolves around a guy who’s getting married, who has a lot of female friends, but not a lot of guy friends, who goes out to find himself some guy friends so he can have a best man for his wedding.

The movie was hilarious, and I found myself relating a lot to the main protagonist.  Looking at my own relationships, I have a lot more close female friends than I do guy friends.  Just today I went out to eat lunch with one of my close female friends, and I’ve gone out dancing with at least three different female friends in the past week.

I don’t like sports, I don’t consider myself very loud and raucous, and I don’t do a lot of stereotypically “male” activities.  Maybe it’s because of a childhood growing up with my mom and my sister, because my dad was never around, and because my dad was such a poor role-model that I wanted to be nothing like him when I grew up.  Or maybe it’s because I somehow picked up through social conditioning that acting masculine and sexual is somehow “wrong”.

Whatever the reason, I can relate a lot to the caricatured portrayal of a man with no strong male relationships, as portrayed in the movie.  Being a man raised by women, and unsure of the proper way to be a man, and how to express one’s masculinity is also a common theme within the PUA community.

How does the modern man behave?  What is his relationship with women, and with other men?  How does he balance his masculinity, with his respect for femininity?  These are some of the questions I have been asking myself, and it was good to be reminded of them in this great movie.

Pickup Podcast Episode #76

Another year, another new podcast from the folks over at Pickup Podcast.

Episode #76 was an interview with Jeremy, aka LondonSoul from Love Systems.  I thought the interview was so-so, maybe a 3 out of 5 stars.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a bad interview, there just wasn’t anything ground-breaking or particularly helpful that I took away from it.

Some of the main topics that Jeremy talked in the podcast where his challenges in expressing himself sexually without coming off as sleazy, as well as seeing women as sexual creatures.  I can totally relate, because I had the same sticking points myself before I got into the community.  I was so afraid of offending women, that I probably came off as asexual for all the interest I showed in women, and I didn’t used to have the limiting belief that women were not interested in sex at all.

Fortunately, that has changed in the past two years since I got into the community, and just changing these two things have probably done the most towards getting me results in field.  Looking back now with 20-20 hindsight, I realize that there were women in my life who were interested in me, I just never showed any interest in return.

One of the key quotes from the podcast that I found valuable, is when Johnny (one of the co-hosts) states that women will respect a man more if he is honest about his sexual desires, and expresses his sexuality, even if he is turned down, rather than if he keeps his desires to himself, out of some misguided notion not to “offend” anyone.  I think this is very true, and something to always keep in mind when it comes to the point in the interaction when it’s time to pull the trigger, and switch from a platonic conversation, to a sexual one.

Chief’s Workshop

So I attended a 2-day long PUA workshop up in Palo Alto this past weekend. The workshop was held by Chief, who I’d never heard about before, but I stumbled across a post of his on the SF Lair, and decided to give it a shot. I figured for $40 for a 2-day event, I couldn’t go wrong.

I didn’t really know what to expect going into the workshop, but I certainly wasn’t expecting to find the workshop being taught by some Asian kid with a broken arm, who looked like he was 17. With a name like “Chief”, I suppose I was expecting someone, well, bigger.

I definitely had to keep my ego in check, but I found the workshop to be well worth the money. I met up with a couple of new guys from the community, most of them newbies, and got to spend two days immersed in pick-up materials. Most of the material was already familiar to me, but it was good to go over it again, and I did learn some new things as well. Chief and his two guest speakers were very knowledgeable for their age, and they offered some really solid value over the course of the workshop.

These were my main takeaways from the weekend:

  • We did a helpful exercise on Day 1, where we listed all the people who we respected the most, and despised the most, and identified the characteristics that made them attractive/repulsive to us.  It was a valuable exercise in identifying the characteristics I admire the most, as well as identifying some of my weaknesses.
  • We talked a bit about sexual mastery, and I came away with some new ideas for improving my seduction and technique in the bedroom.  This is not an area I have ventured too far into, beyond the basics, so it is something I want to explore further this year.
  • We also talked  bit about massage, which is a skill I would like to learn.  I commit to getting a few full body massages done to me this year, and practicing my skills on the women in my life.
  • We talked a little about Vin DiCarlo’s “objection game” which I found to be an interesting concept.
  • We did some practice approaching, which reminded me that I am still very weak when it comes to starting conversations with strangers.  I was reminded also that I need to continue working on my vocal projection and vocal variety.
  • We also learned a couple of routines (the cube, strawberry fields, ring routine) which were all pretty new to me.

Overall, it was a fun and informative workshop, where I learned new things, reviewed old material, and identified some key challenge points that I need to work on in the coming months.  It was a good experience and has helped me to focus on my goals for the new year.

Mutual Attraction

Have you ever noticed how the women that you are the most attracted to seem to respond the best to you?

I think I read an article a few years ago on some dating site that cited some biological reason for us being attracted the most to the women who also find us attractive, and I didn’t really believe it at the time, but as I go along this journey, I’ve found this more and more to be true.

Just the other night, I met a girl out dancing, whom I really connected with.  I remember noticing her immediately as she walked into the venue, and feeling the rush of anxiety and nervousness that I get around attractive women, and later on, when I got to know her better, she revealed that she had noticed me immediately as well.

Maybe the mutual attraction comes from my mind picking up on IOIs at a subconscious level that makes the girl more attractive to me, or maybe my attraction unconsiously changes my subcommunication, which in turn makes her more attractive to me.  Or conversely, maybe it is my negative pre-judgements of women I don’t find attractive that dampens their reactions to me, or my mind finds a way to make disinterested women less attractive to me to protect my ego.  Or maybe there is something biological to the whole process.

Whatever the reason, it’s just another reminder to myself to not waste my time “practicing” on women I find less attractive, that some in the community might consider “easier” targets, because when it comes to attraction, just the opposite could be true.

Overcoming Heartbreak

Recently, a friend of mine went through a rough emotional experience with a girl he had developed strong feelings for, who in turn LJBF’d him.  I can totally understand what he is going through, because I’ve gone through the same experience myself, and it was one such experience that actually got me into the game.

I offered my friend some advice about how to overcome the pain of a failed relationship, and some of the things that I’ve found useful, and I thought I’d share them here as well.

1) Friends.  I think friends are an important resource when trying to overcome emotional pain.  I know for myself, when I went through one particularly rough experience, I went out drinking with all of my female friends (one of the benefits of being a “nice guy”) and they were more than happy to listen to my troubles and offer their sympathy and advice.  They even gave me the confidence that I needed to ask out another girl I had a crush on for a while.  Going through heartbreak is tough, but it’s a lot easier with supportive people around you.

2) Exercise.  When it comes to overcoming heartbreak, there’s nothing worse than sitting at home and brooding.  One of the things I’ve found helpful is to do a heavy workout, or do some sprints to burn through all the pent up emotional energy.  Sometimes it feels like going outside and exercising is the last thing I want to do, but once I actually get out of the door and start moving, I feel a lot better.

3) Distraction.  One trap that’s easy to fall into when going through an emotionally rough time is to think about the relationship over and over again.  It’s ok to spend some time coming to grips with the situation, and share the story with a few friends, but after a point it becomes harmful to keep dwelling on the same negative and painful thoughts.

One helpful trick to avoid thinking about the painful experience, that’s recently been corroborated by scientific research, is to do mental puzzles.  When your mind is focused on a difficult, logical task, it becomes literally impossible to focus on anything else, and your mind temporarily detaches from the emotional part of yourself and switches to the logical side of your mind.  I know for me, one of the things that I’ve done in the past is play DDR (Dance Dance Revolution).  Kind of a silly example, I know, but once my mind is focused on the game, the rest of the world fades away, and I find myself removed from my emotions, and plus its good exercise.  DDR is just one example, of course– anything that is mentally challenging or gets you into “the zone” will do,

Anyway, those are just some of the things that I’ve found in the past that have been helpful for me in overcoming heartbreak and emotional pain.  Getting over a broken heart can be tough, I know for myself, I still feel an occasional twinge, even now, but doing some of the things above have helped me get through the rough patches.  Ultimately, you want to strive to reframe the negative experience into a positive one.  That means creating a great life for yourself, so that when you look back, you will find that your life is better off now because the relationship didn’t work out, rather than pining for something that was never meant to be.

Approach Challenge Update

So I want to publicly announce that the approach challenge has not been going well for me at all.  I’ve done a few approaches here and there, but they’ve grown less and less frequent as the days have gone by.  I feel like I have few problems approaching women in social situations, but approaching a complete stranger on the street and expressing interest them still feels like it is outside of my reality.

Maybe I need to take smaller steps to build up to this?  Or perhaps go out with other guys who can force me into sets.  All I know is the current challenge isn’t working, and I’ll need to tackle this from another angle if I want to get this cold approach thing figured out.